Diary Entries
I feel as though my flaws are such that they disqualify me from deserving the love I receive, and, yes, I know I am not unique in thinking this way. A lot of people feel that their "real" selves would not be accepted by those that they love. My "real" self is one whose judgement is inescapable, even though my captives are unaware. My biggest motivation for overcoming certain problems that plague me is being in a position where I can judge others for still being there. Compassion is still chasing me to this day, so the legend says.
Do not fear me, please, I am on my way to moving past this, but it is a problem that bothers me. I hate to harbour such feelings of superiority, but is it believable to say that?
I feel like, time and time again, I am confronted with a part of me that judges, hates, deceives, or deprives others. Every time, I am scared of the implication, that, somehow, this is who I am "truly." I operate on the belief that how I spend my time is how I spend my life, and how I spend my life is indicative of the person that I am. Therefore, is it reasonable to try to present myself as a person who hates to harbour feelings of superiority to those around them? Is it reasonable to say that I am humble? Because if I were asked, I would be dishonest and say "I am".
from my wordpad
A few days ago, I decided to go through my mail and scour through my literary subscriptions. I read the one with the most riveting title, it focused on Joseph Brodsky's writings on boredom, time and eternity, then took glances at Octavia Butler's writing on religion and a writing on transcendence by a Richard Jeffries - this last one, i did not read. In the lesson boredom and how we spend what we call "time", a timeless quote is referenced: "How we spend our time is how we spend our lives."
Since reading this, the quote has remained in my mind, and I repeat it to myeself whenever I am conflicted on which course of action to choose. What I do with my time is what I do with my life, and what I do with my life defines my person. I spend a lot of time deceiving myself that no matter what I do, my true self is better than this, that I am only acting within my situation and once I leave this situation, my "true" self will shine through. This delusion cannot continue much longer. Placing the blame on circumstances is absolutely lazy; I tout being of steadfast values and principals, I hold other people to high standards and yet I make excuses for myself. I have hurt so many people, poked them while I remained on my high horse.
As I continue to come clean about the type of person I am, a question rings loud and crystal: WHO DO I THINK I AM? Do I truly believe I am above others? What a load of bullshit. I say I stand for spreading love and kindness, I say I believe in collective labour, but what love and kindness have I spread? What work have I done with others. Talk is so cheap, and, as the miser I am, it is all I care to afford. I am in an identity crisis. Presenting myself as one type of person, but truly being another. Not only have I fooled others, but I have fooled myself. With my hand still stained from stealing meat from the pot of stew, I puff my chest and proclaim myself the most patient and prudent.
I feel I have to do even more. Too often I run away from what I claim to want, I run back to the same circumstances I blame for holding me back. I owe it to the world to act, I can not sit comfortably in my houses and gaze longingly at those who truly act. That's foolishness I should not condone.
Integrity in all things. Hard work and sincerity when doing anything...do I uphold this?
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